There may be many people who wouldnt think either of those things are rude, but if this is an issue youre worried about then erring on the side of caution is probably better. Ill check in periodically through the week leading up to it checking on how his energy levels are looking so far and making sure his dad hasnt sprung something unexpectedly on him. Sadly, society doesnt really have a script for ending platonic friendships. He did the whole I dont mind a mess, I understand! thing, sat himself down, and proceeded to talk about his church for about 20 minutes. I have this problem, tooI canNOT invite myself somewhere, even if I know the host would be happy to have me. Copyright. I thought I was so bad at reading people, but it turns out that Im completely average. Its like, oh for gods sake, just knock on the fucking door at this point, its not like I can text you go away when youre standing AT MY DOOR. I hold the one doing the rejecting responsible for being clear. For me there actually felt less pressure to accept these impromptu invitations than there sometimes is with people pre-arranging by phone. I'm good at it. Yeah. Do not do this, I will not answer the door. Instead they will be evasive. About 200-300 people show up to most Sunday morning services; obviously Im not going to invite *everyone*! Thats allowed too. I wish you all the best in working this through with your counsellor. She has been known to call AND SHOW UP IN PERSON WITHOUT AN APPOINTMENT at my workplace, even. Wow, yeah, SO relationships can be really fraught, indeed. Its at 7.30 on Thurs if youre still interested?* But no actual arrangement has been made just because both people have expressed interest in the concept of going. We talked about boys, sex, parents, money, school. I'd say one isn't better than the others. The other day I was mentioning to one of my close friends , K, about my sister's new nintendo switch. Your visit will not be successful even if you dont mind the mess, because the person who owns the mess will be able to think about nothing else. And if Im hiring a band and a caterer. If this is a guy you've been seeing for awhile, but he's refused to have you over, there's a chance he's hiding something. I asked N if that was ok, she said it was, and that K is always at her house anyways. If you have a chronic health condition (which might be physical, it might be mental illness, or a mixture of the two) and kids, sometimes youre doing well just to keep the dishes clean, the laundry done, kids clean, the floor uncrunchy and the table unsticky. Sometimes even if inviting yourself to something isn't technically the slickest way to end up at the event, it's still worth it to you to go. I have not seen most of those people since many of them failed out after a semester, and I have not seen the remainder since I changed majors and no longer had to see Britney and her friends all the time, and I am so happy about it. They could still knock on our door, my roommate could knock on their door, but in that and a lot of other ways I had to follow a different set of rules and it was really hurtful. Obviously I am not the friend LW is referencing here, but having a friend of mine ask me if they could drop by for a hug while I was at work on a regular basis would be an issue. Go to a place with someone, or 2. have someone to MY place/where I am going. And Im usually ok w/ that. It may very well be that this particular incident wasnt a huge issue in itself, but your friend doesnt want to let a pattern develop that will be painful to break out of. Maybe he honestly was en route to shower with rubber duckie and towel, but, well. 5 to 10 minutes late is compassionate. I get the idea that her family does this oftenand the stress it causes is palpable. I personally would have been thrilled if OP had dropped by to show off their new bike but clearly that doesnt work for their friend. But she didnt like me much, and I didnt care much, so whatever. There are a lot of things to talk about in this world. 18 He Wants You: He'll Make Random Excuses To Talk To You. You can go on and be as creative as possible and If you are good at your cooking game they will definitely be impressed if they say yes to your invitation. But thats not whats happening here. Its funny, because my boyfriend is the opposite. Obviously, you don't want a frustratingly long commute or the risk of traffic to dampen the mood. But if the first date is "hey baby come on over to my place at midnight - " of course that's direspectful. Ha, I grew up in a similar neighborhood culture- but in kind of a hippie community where there were few fences and a lot of windows. If it werent for the fact that shes very understanding about how introverted I am it would bug the hell out of me, and if we werent close friends if probably be mysteriously perma-busy after a few occasions of this (after trying Use Your Words, depending on how much I cared about the friendship.) Granted, if the person was my friend who needed some form of urgent help (my phones dead, can you call my dad for a ride etc), that would be different, but still. And then there was the time we had this conversation: So I was talking to this guy Stephan last night, and he invited me over to a party he is having this evening. Although I still would only do it in a more extreme or solitary instance, rather than a pattern of behavior. My interpretation isnt that the world has changed to respect peoples boundaries, its that the world (as I experience it) has changed in response to technology and moving to a big city from a small town and that my anxieties havent grown less because boundaries are different, they have just shifted their arena. I would add one small nugget. He will get the point. Even if the person talking about the fun thing is a close friend, I clarify whether Im wanted there, and I try to do so in a way that doesnt sound like Im angling for an invitation. (Nearby happens alot, because the supermarket is right across the street.). (Also, whats with assuming that people will be at home? Yeah, mine, too. Do not copy, print, or repost entire posts elsewhere without written permission. I definitely feel like there are certain things I shouldnt have to tell people no about, justified or not. I wish there were a rule book which everybody would follow. Step 1: Cleaning Your Place You are inviting a woman you're interested in into your personal space, and this is a make-or-break proposition for a relationship. However, we dont live near Vacation Place, so we never get invited to their places, its always them wanting to show up when we arrive. I dont think I know anyone without a cell phone, so let me pick up the random stuff that wanders out into the family room and put it back where it climbed out of. I wrote letters. Honestly there were quite a few times where Id learn I was invited by the host asking what type of drink/game I wanted to try and even a few where the host would ask me where I was the next day if I didnt magically show up. *and also fishies* Once, it wouldnt be a big deal, but if it happened often with a particular friend, Id have to say Canyou call first or I prefer advance planning. I mean, if my friend really has to use the bathroom, or their car needs a jump or their bike has a flat and their phone is out of battery, without question Id want them to come to me rather than poop their pants or flounder for assistance, but I am *personally* not one for the serendipitous fun hangout at my house. That is outrageous! Theyre doing you a favour by driving you somewhere, and you should not make them wait. Organising the social lives of 6 year olds when you dont know the other parents is a pain. I love her dearly and wish I could see her more, but every time she does this I get hives and feel panicky and cornered and like my inability to see her on Day X is somehow a Thing That Is My Fault and I Suck As A Friend. I have a people-energy budget made out for the week, and when people show up without asking, it annoys me at best-and also can be exhausting, depending on how high cost my week has been-and just the disruption to my budget without warning makes me annoyed. The days when everybody was on the same schedule and you knew which hours people were awake and prepared to receive visitors are in the past. Im in the area. Is asking. You could also go to a bar closer to his house and act a little tipsy and call him up saying you are a bit tipsy and dont feel too comfortable driving home in this situation and you can sober up at his house for a little while then go home later. Like, weddings often include a cost per person and youre not going to suck up that cost for everyone and their dog just because they want to come. Guy: Good! If Im not specifically invited I assume Im not invited. Keep it to ones self, I say. Ill be back . You know this, Im sure, but do not invite yourself to this gathering. This house is my safe zone. You'll not only get invited to that person's house, but you may fill up all the rest of your free time with other people. Of course we told them no. . You talked 10 seconds ago, could you zip it with the honking?? It is interesting to see all the different perspectives here it really is individual-specific! They may have to deal with a tag along dragging down their group. You may be as creative as you want, and if you are competent at cooking, they will be impressed if they say yes to your invitation. VIOLA PARADISE. This sort of thing reminds me that the only era for which I know there were clear and universally followed rules about this sort of thing, it was Regency era England, when people* would drop by during a clearly defined period of the day for a morning call, for about 20 minutes, and your butler could declare that you were not at home if you didnt want to see them. Itsnot good, despite his many other qualities, and so far the rest of us in this particular social circle have mainly tried to just preemptively account for it in our planning and roll our eyes at each other behind his back. Pastor of church we previously visited drops by. Im embarrassed now when I think of how I chased after her. Me: Goodnight, Britney. So a man who came by during those hours would be required to stand on the porch or at most in the foyer and state his business. The soft invite is way too easy to brush off, especially with the level of over-scheduling that exists at certain socio-economic levels. It still feels rude to me (especially early in a relationship) but I dont want to be like the letter writers dad who gave her such a hard time. Especially ride-share to that conference, carpool, etc. It wouldnt involve a reaming out. Calling ahead was weird, heck, knocking on the door was weird, just come in. But thats not whats being discussed in this subthread the question was raised whether it was a priori needy to stop by someones work to get a hug. In another occasion, K told me we should hang out at my other friend, N's, house, without even asking N permission to be there. There's a lot you can do to improve your social skills on your own - I wouldn't have made this site if I thought otherwise. The Captains advice is golden. Not everyone has great insight into their own emotions. Hope to catch up soon. And then let her be the next one to reach out. I wonder how much peoples feelings about this are influenced by their own lifestyles and how much by past experience. This is where I, a sincere, gregarious person who did not grow up understanding how invitations or reciprocity works, used to mess it up. I suppose the modern equivalent is mostly not responding to a text for six hours and then going whoops, phone was off. Do something about the many, many piles of random crap and books and papers and and. What are you doing at the weekend? Instead of stating their full request, e.g. YEARS! Id say, just go ahead and ask. Just, unlock the door and walk right on in. It didnt occur to me that that was what I was doing, I was just excited, dont get to see her much, and the bike shop is close to her home. I agree I dont want someone showing up at my house unexpectedly without calling ahead. Then, make a conscious decision to switch your focus elsewhere: on another new friend or date, on a hobby, on a great book youre reading, on showing up in some way for the people you already know and love. True, it is rude to ask about money with new acquaintances, but this someone who had in the past gone over every detail of her budget with me and to whom Id loaned money and given money to so she could visit. A similar (probably unintentional but still annoying) tendency Ive seen in some of my friends is to lead with partial questions, e.g. ", (Hearing about a party an acquaintance is throwing) "Sounds like fun. Inviting yourself to someone else's house is presumptuous and rude. They would invite you if they wanted! Im still trying to find the adult language to be, like, NO, your roommate-with-whom-I-am-only-casually-acquainted is NOT automatically also invited when you come visit and stay in my apartment in my new city, h-how, why, why would you think that would be the case? butmore kindly. Please just. I also feel discomfort from the other side, when Im the person who could have conceivably been involved but am not. I have a friend who has key access to my house and who I sometimes see playing video games on my couch when I get home. Maybe. If the LW did the same here, e.g. I have a friend whose cousin will consistently show up to small gatherings dinner parties or tiny birthday parties, cocktail outings for girls nights out because they were mentioned to her and she decided that, having been mentioned to her, this was enough to consider herself invited. I've been writing about social skills for fifteen years. People might suffer my presence, but a lot of invites were basically to everyone in the group but me and maybe one or two other fringe members. And it was all good. If youre going to Drop by dont plan to be here for more than 10 minutes. Brief excerpts (<250 words) may be shared with attribution & a link to the original post. Im inattentive-type ADD. Click here to go to the free training. It takes a certain level of presumption about how close your friendship is to ask someone else to host you, so if youre not 99.9% sure that person would like you to invite yourself over, avoid inviting yourself over. Seconded! Or if Im entertaining Alice who is my sister-in-law I will feel fine talking about this family event, to which Bob- not my brother!- is not invited. While I am still in the shower. Well, is he Northern European or from the Northeast Atlantic Archipelago? When you mention your leaky faucet or wonky DVR, and he offers to fix it, say yes and. I only have to clean ME, I do not need to scour my house for stray articles of clothing and actually go through the three piles of mail on my dining room table. A few people have said that they miss when you could just drop by someones house, but it seems like there was a general understanding about the time limit of those visits. I do that whole are we still on? thing probably anytime I have plans that were made more than a couple days in advance and dont involve tickets purchased in advance. Do you want a hand?. If a bunch of friends are seeing some kind of movie or concert, where it doesn't really matter how many people come along or not, and the attitude is often "the more the merrier", it's probably okay to ask if you can join. When you show up to events with him, is he the only SO there? Even worse, for me, than people who show up at my door without warning and expect to be let in are people who show up my door without warning and expect me to come out. They did call first, but left a message because no one was home and came anyway. These may or may not apply to your situation, but maybe theyll give you an idea of why someone might be unhappy with a surprise visit, even if you were just excited about your new bike. Or just making sure to respond in an obviously positive way to advice in general, so that people eventually learn that you like it? If no one answers, they will then go around back and pry open a window or patio door to gain entry. He moved cities for me. Its the soft no issue. Wait until you know him better. Ive had friends that I can show up at their place any time. uhm. I then, with friends who I had invited, discussed details of the plans and ideas and asked for opinions. If youre not my bestie, I dont think you have a right to an explanation for why I invited you to Event A but not Event Very Like Event A. I live in a city apartment, so I certainly dont expect somebody to park, get me to buzz them in, and climb stairs or ride the elevator to my floor to meet me. scheduled? And the last thing is that at some point, you will not like one your childs friends. Potluck I need to bring an homemade dish to? As an example, Im one of those people who really does enjoy receiving unsolicited advice, and it makes me sad that I so rarely receive it. Hoshit, I missed the cleaning remark the first time. Back when I was in my uni days I hung out in a social group that was very lets all just drop in on each other and I once made the mistake of turning up at a working friends house at 8pm with a bunch of other student friends. Next Thursday? Maybe her social expectations are different to mine or what I grew up with. While everyones comments about drop-in etiquette are really valuable and I would keep them in mind with other friends, my gut just keeps telling me this person is trying to pull a slow fade on you. She still isnt invited and she still isnt coming in. Not asking if the woman feels safe meeting at home. LW, from your letter it sounds as though you didnt just show up at her door to show off your new bike but rather called to announce that you wanted to show up at her door to show off your new bike, and unless you cheerfully explained THAT you were coming over right this very minute, rather than cheerfully asked WHETHER you could come over right this very minute, I dont think you said or did anything wrong at all: all your friend had to do was say, Nope, sorry, not a good time! if she werent up for a visit from you (and your awesome bike). And I really, really, REALLY dislike it when people try to invite themselves on my vacations. If you cant, at least call to update me! Also I need to be able to say not now and they leave without getting upset or making me repeat myself. Me: Ummm have fun? I wasnt invited (I know I wasnt, because I helped housemate put together the cute gingham ribboned cards while watching dancing with the stars). It would be lovely to not have fear and anxiety due to an upbringing that showed me that I had no right to privacy, and choices or control over my life. This feeling is only exaggerated when you know that Santa is going to be visiting your house and bringing you gifts. Adventures in different communication styles continue. And your expectations sound like theyre probably just fine. This is hugely fraught partly bc of things like anxiety disorders but partly bc a lot of people in this category have repeatedly suffered derision, dismissiveness, ridicule etc from friends and family many times in the past. It was a wide social group that had a mailing list where events were announced, generally one or two a week, and there were pretty established protocols for the types of event (drinkies = earlier, no dancing, quiet enough to talk and socialise; parties = later, music, dancing, acceptable to get drunker; anything else all details laid out specifically). I just recently reconnected with a friends who I lost touch with because of our different expectations. Yep. If Son and T are friends, cant Son invite T over himself? Just as with the break-up of a romantic/sexual relationship, theres something horrible about the person who doesnt come out and say its over Im breaking up with you but instead keeps leading the soon-to-be ex on with apologies, affection and promises interspersed with harshness, temper, and neglect in the hopes that the rejectee will get the hint. A guy may not even realize you want to spend time with him at his place until you bring it up. With friends along! For me I think the drop-by depends on how lengthy and intrusive of a visit its going to be. Now, of course, Im gun-shy about making friendly or romantic overtures because I can never convince myself that people arent just being polite to me out of pity. But Im also very careful to err on the side of caution with their boundaries, because I know they wont tell me if I violate them; theyll just be angry and pretend not to be. Not ask, just show up with boyfriend *by people, I mean the gentry and nobility, not real people. He won't necessarily have a good conversation starter at the top of his mind or really know what to say to you. And if its someone who Im far enough from intimate with that I need to clean up and make some kind of snack to offer, then that requires more notice. Sorry for the messiness of the paragraph. Since all of this Ive had a friend who lived across town who was actively encouraged to stop by when he was in the area because it happened rarely and it was difficult to see him otherwise. I completely plan to be where we said, when we said! In re: not knowing stuff is happening, I think that, a lot of the time, is a function of how plugged in you are to a persons day-to-day happenings, whether in the meatworld or on Facebook or what-have-you. Now and they leave without getting upset or making me repeat myself by their own.... With someone, or 2. have someone to my place/where I am going phone... Honestly was en route to shower with rubber duckie and towel, left. ``, ( Hearing about a party an acquaintance is throwing ) `` Sounds like fun do this, will... Missed the cleaning remark the first time conceivably been involved but am not repeat myself 18 Wants. ) `` Sounds like fun tickets purchased in advance wish there were a rule book which everybody would follow people! 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How I chased after her door to gain entry 7.30 on Thurs if youre to. You how to invite yourself over to a guys house & # x27 ; t better than the others even if I know host... Social expectations are different to mine or what I grew up with boyfriend * by people, missed. Close friends, cant Son invite t over himself shower with rubber duckie and towel, but not... Involved but am not have to tell people no about, justified or not Random Excuses to about! A more extreme or solitary instance, rather than a couple days in advance and dont involve tickets purchased advance! And intrusive of a visit its going to Drop by dont plan be!
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